


Am I Enough?

by dreams_of_manderley



Category: Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca - Levay/Kunze
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreams_of_manderley/pseuds/dreams_of_manderley
Summary: TW: Suicidal Thoughts“I know I’ve never truly belonged here. Everyone made that fact quite clear, but none more so than Mrs. Danvers. Her words constantly rang in my ear. “You will never be her. He never loved you. Why don’t you go?” A better woman wouldn’t have let those words cut so deeply, but I never was a better woman. I barely am a woman as it is.”In which I attempt at putting Ich’s suicide attempt into writing because I’m in an angsty mood tonight.
Kudos: 6





	Am I Enough?

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m writing this at midnight because I recently started listening Rebecca again and wanted to write a drabble from Ich’s point of view. This is mostly musical based and I will be using a few lyrics from my own English fan translation. Please be kind, this is the first time I’ve written a fanfiction.

I could feel the wind pressing against me as I stood on the balcony of my predecessor pondering why I was still here in this room, at Manderley, on this earth. I knew I’ve never truly belonged here. Everyone made that fact quite clear, but none more so than Mrs. Danvers. Her words constantly rang in my ear.

“You will never be her. He never loved you. Why don’t you go?”

A better woman wouldn’t have let those words cut so deeply, but I never was a better woman. I barely am a woman as it is. My shaking hands gripped the iron bars as I realized I was not alone. Mrs. Danvers was beside me, whispering words I could barely make out over the noise of my own thoughts. Thoughts of my own stupid mistakes rushed through my mind. How I myself to be tricked into wearing the exact same costume that Rebecca had once worn. How I believed I could have become a worthy mistress of Manderley. How I deluded myself into thinking that Maxim actually loved me as I loved him. Did I ever love him or was that another delusion as well? Was I wrong to have married him when he was clearly still grieving for Rebecca? Had I only been looking for an escape from working for the unbearable Mrs. van Hopper? What have I done? I’ve ruined both our lives by wearing that costume, coming to Manderley, daring to approach him back in Monte Carlo. Maybe everyone would be better off if I jumped into the sea. It was as if Mrs. Danvers had read my mind at that very moment.

“It’s just one step, from here to death’s embrace” 

These words temporarily snapped me out of my reverie of self pity. What a pathetic person I was, wallowing in such a state of mind. Yet I knew she was right, it was only a matter of taking that one step before everything would be over. No more pain. No more confusion. No more wondering if I would ever be good enough for my husband, for Manderley. No more attempting to avoid whispers of “Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca” to no avail. The sea was just below me, the waves seemed to be calling me, beckoning me to jump. Or was that just my own mind? No matter, it’s not like it will be of any importance in five minutes. 

“You will never belong here. No one needs you. You’re just a burden on Mr. de Winter.”

I turned my head towards Mrs. Danvers, unsure if she had really said those words or if I had only imagined it. In any case I couldn’t have felt more like a burden. I looked down to the sea, then back to Mrs. Danvers, the semblance of a smirk rested on her face. It was as if she wanted me to jump. Should I do this? Should I really end my own life? Or should I go on living in Rebecca’s shadow? Should I hope Maxim would forgive me for last night? Should I continue to live and wallow in my own inferiority complex? I hadn’t realized I’d been crying until those questions crossed my mind. I had hoped I’d be able to finally break out of my shell, to become the confident woman that I’ve always wanted to be, but I had failed. There seemed to be no way out. If I jumped, I would leave this world a coward. If I didn’t, I’d subject myself to becoming my own worst enemy yet again. 

Mrs. Danvers spoke again, something about how I should be dead instead of Rebecca. I gripped the balcony tighter than before in an effort to drown her out. I needed to sort out my own racing thoughts. I could feel my body shaking as I tried to decide what to do. Maybe it wasn’t too late for me after all. Maybe I could gain my desired confidence. Maybe Maxim could see that I could be the mistress of this house and do it well. However the chances of that happening felt very slim. 

“Don’t be afraid, jump!” 

Once again, I’d been sent back to reality at the sound of Mrs. Danvers’ voice. I contemplated jumping once more, hesitantly preparing to throw myself into the water below, but it seemed my decision would be made for me. A loud “boom” coursed through the air, starling me. Then another, and another. Was it a sign? Was it fate telling me that there was still hope out there?

“What was that? What’s happened?” I wondered aloud. I hadn’t been speaking to anyone in particular but was answered with “The rockets, alarm in the bay. A ship must be stranded.” 

I looked out to the horizon one last time. The sun was slowly rising. Men were running out to the beach to help the stranded ship. I had been looking for a way out and this was it. I took my chance and practically sprinted back inside the house, out of Rebecca’s room, away from Mrs. Danvers. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow myself to fall so far again. I wouldn’t be pushed around any longer. I would make things right between Maxim and I. I would tell him how I’ve felt all this time. I would become Mrs. de Winter. And most importantly, I’d stay away from Rebecca’s room.

There would be no more wondering of “Am I enough?”. I was to find out the answer for myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t just end this on a depressing note. After all “Nur Ein Schritt” is the moment when Ich hits rock bottom, and as the saying goes you can only go up from there. I’d be lying if I didn’t take some inspiration from personal experience which is why I gave this such an optimistic ending.
> 
> If you know me you’ll know I heavily relate to Ich which made it relatively easy for me to feel exactly what she’s feeling even when I’m just listening to the musical because her experiences parallel some of my own. That’s a good thing when I want to write from her perspective but it can be bad because I end up having an existential crisis afterward XD. 
> 
> I hope this made you feel something or that you enjoyed it at least a little.


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